Last Journals

Wednesday, 5 January 2022

A new year.

Let’s hope for more positive news – not evident in the number of people infected.

Humid and warm. Overcast.

The city has remained empty for such a long time now…only the cars on the bridge moving.

We started the year with hospitals – scans yesterday at Carillion Avenue – emptiness there too…

They gave us the large envelope with the prints of the back scan, will see what the doctor says on Thursday…

Hoping for less pain and some energy to deal with other issues.

Will put together last year’s notebook today and try and read it. Is there something alive and of importance – I doubt it – only complaints probably.

Will see…

Next Monday, or maybe the weekend if I feel better, start to read the pages of Late Journals – hopefully not too many errors.

Barbara wants to be here when the doctor comes tomorrow, to see what the scan is showing and what direction…

Will have to look at the Christmas cards and respond.

Some progress – I am at least capable of coming here, staying in the chair and typing.

Alexander came to check on me…am I ok…

He is trying to speak to David to clean his garden a bit.

Friday, 7 January 2022

Made it to the studio.

A nice breeze blowing in the garden.

Still tired. I have read the manuscript once, but have to read it again. Not enough concentration.

A gun seems to go off, reminds me of Adelaide, the festival, and we in the country, near the lake with the ducks.

I can’t put myself together and begin to do some work.

Victoria, Marike and Isabella have covid.

Decided today to stop taking all medication and see the result. I AM NOT TAKING THAT MANY. The one in the morning and then some stronger panadols…

The fundamental issue is that I am not feeling well – the back, the scan shows my spine in a bad way…what improvement is possible?

Must go up. Tired already…hope to come tomorrow.

My head buzzing with the news of the world, all bad, covid, possible war – Russia and Ukraine, everyone up in arms.

Thinking all the time of friends that have gone, James, Jolanta and Jurgis – travelling in the country, Australia Day at La Perouse…

Gail sent a card made by her husband – I should start doing some drawings…

When am I going to start doing some work?

Sent the blue book to Patricia in Melbourne…she will like it…was alarmed that I did not get in touch for some time, rang…

Thursday, 20 January 2022

Suddenly a day full of black thoughts, old, not well and no future.

Eating rice for the whole day, trying to find a direction, feeling alone in this wet, sticky atmosphere.

No energy to see how I shall cope with everything.

Reading again and again the manuscript – nothing there somehow.

I seem to have something wrong with me physically that can’t be fixed. Well yesterday, sick today.

I have not felt that low for a long time.

Already the month has almost gone and what have I done with it?

Thank God for Eleni and Bob. They come full of energy and good will, bringing food, soups, doing the shopping…

I have not written anything for ages, no energy at all… Doctors, scans, my back in a bad way, vitamin D that is supposed to be good for my bones not accepted by my stomach.

Since I pushed myself to finish Late Journals I have not been well.

I was not aware how intellectual pressures transform into physical difficulties.

At night unable to sleep making plans, all illusions of what I do, but really I am no longer capable of doing much. Was sending an email to Penelope to ask what progress…

Thought of James, Miuta, look them up online – Miu will not be there…

Too distressing to write about them, this is why Jurgis went back to drawing, he found writing too dangerous…

Must make a program, begin to do something, already a month of the new year has gone…and what have I done? Complaints.

Very preoccupied with the body…my terrible back, the pain, the fact that I can’t walk that much.

Displeased with myself, my constant dependence now on other people, the ongoing direction…

Having to accept more and more a diminishing capability to do things and so on…

Thursday, 27 January 2022

Yesterday a lovely day, Eleni and Bob dropped by on their way to lunch, we did a bit of shopping, stayed on the terrace with the nice breeze, a lonely jet in the sky making a tremendous noise…The TV full of patriotic feelings…

At night I watched a long program by Michael Portillo on Australia – read as I went upstairs, but then I could not sleep for three quarters of the night…one, two, three, four, struggling with everything…finally fell asleep around five, had to get up early as Robert was coming to clean at eight-thirty.

Very tired waiting for them to finish so that I can go to bed.

Barbara is supposed to come in the afternoon by bus…going to the dentist…

Doing nothing. I read the manuscript three times, every time I found another error. I am giving it up now, will send an email to Ivor to ask him how I should send it back – post it etc., etc.

Mild morning, humid, feeling slightly better. I hope it lasts…Beth came yesterday, brought fried fish…will take me to the hairdresser, Kelly will cut the hair. Darren not well, a stomach operation, I hope he is better…

Mary rang from Athens to see how I was… It was snowing for two days, images of an evzone below the parliament with snow over his face. Mary did not seem to be impressed with the snow. All the kids are well, Pandeli travelling, they have a little girl.

Must make a program, tidy the will and so on.

Wednesday, 2 February 2022

Still very humid but cooler.

Trying to get rid of papers, Jim was still sending me photos, texts and so on, but now, not very much… We are all slowing down.

Evelyn and Ivor came on Sunday – they took away the manuscript of Late Journals. Discussions about other things, he is thinking about publishing a collection of all my poems… A COLLECTED…

Left some of his recent books – poetry mostly – I have not read them yet, prose Jessica Au – Cold Enough for Snow…a small scale, detailed observations, a very cool tone…

I wonder if this is the new tone of prose…must read all the books to have some idea of the new direction…

Always lovely to see them. We fall into talking in a friendly way, Ivor is struggling with all his new publishing plans including the magazine…

Evelyn is writing about an ornithologist Chisholm? Some such name.

Waiting for Barbara to read The Dancer so that I can continue with it, but sad, the heroine died young…

Trying to arrange things – my medical direction, tackle the will again…

Define yet again this propensity to write journals – an ongoing conversation with oneself, the inner necessity to define to a certain extent one’s relationship with the events of one’s life…

EVERYTHING REMINDS ONE OF THE PAST…

Thursday, 3 February 2022

A more difficult period is starting now, more dependence on others to do things, everyone’s ideas of how or what should be done and so on.

Annie ringing this morning was complaining of the same thing. But what can be done seeing that we don’t have enough energy to deal with things ourselves.

Feeling slightly better for the moment…it may not last…

Post knitting to Lalo, clean papers.

Look at poems to see what is there, have something ready if Ivor decides to do a collected.

Tired already with all the people I have to deal with, their personalities…an opening for them in which they can do something, and then a closing when they have other obligations, one has to adjust to these changes continuously.

Tired now…

Monday, 7 February 2022

To town with Eleni and Bob, walked for quite a while looking for a comfortable chair.

Depressing sights – the same design and colour, off-white, everywhere, grey…an uninteresting colour.

Found a more modest chair, vibrant dark blue, bought it $800 plus $l00 for delivery.

I hope it goes well with the rest of the colours in the front room.

Take this one upstairs and get rid of the red one, which has become very old.

Very tired, they too, humid and raining.

A bellicose atmosphere in the world, the TV full of negative news, terrible happenings, the elderly not given much care, current ministers totally uninterested in their duties.

Dutton on TV blah blahing away, for a long time, a terrible face, eyes and head…

I, tired with everyone, everyone giving me advice what to eat, what medication to take, what to do with my life.

Annie was complaining about this too, obviously the new direction and more of it to come.

I must become more silent, keep things to myself, they too, poor things have to respond to my complaints.

Some silence.

Sunday, 13 February 2022

Sleep a lot with the new pills.

Make everyday programs of what I am going to do – but not doing anything.

Marie’s book has arrived looking good – gave copies to Eleni and Bob.

Must send some money to George – waiting to speak to Helen, match what she sent.

Not enough energy to do much.

The new chair in the front room has arrived, very comfortable and a lovely deep blue colour.

Tuesday, 15 February 2022

Everyone is desperate.

Martha yesterday, talking to me as if I could help her, but her troubles with Peter more desperate than any of us. And I full of problems – my back, my stomach, now my eyes…

Must ring Anna for the name and telephone number of our eye doctor, I hope she and Hilik are ok.

Ring Ileana…

Must eat more, I have lost three pounds.

Marie’s book has arrived and looks good.

George’s afterword moving. He came to bring the books.

We stayed on the terrace and had coffee. Things are okay with Blaise.

Human presences continue to be encouraging. 

Friday, 18 February 2022

Very hot and humid.

Everyone anxious. Anna Y unable to sleep…her dogs…

Dogs are becoming a major nuisance.

A documentary on the Japanese, young women treating them as their children, dressing them up, etc. etc.…

Vrasidas is launching his book on Angelopoulos, invited to the launch, send an email, order the book from Gleebooks.

Not an idea in my head.

The photocopier run out of ink, will go with Lenore and buy some.

Looking at the advice of Kant on my wall: have something to do, someone to love and something to hope for…

Except for the first the other two rather difficult to achieve.

Thursday, 24 February 2022

Waiting for Robert to come and clean, he is nearly half an hour late.

Who knows what happened everywhere with the rain, masses of it, the wind.

WET… WET…

Dark as well.

Will go with Lenore to do some shopping…not very enthusiastic about it.

Disasters and wars everywhere – Ukraine…the Russians…Putin and so on.

Waiting for Robert to arrive, already nine o’clock…

Small birds in the garden shaking their wings in the rain.

Robert sent a message about traffic…ten past nine… Dark and wet…

Began reading old and new copies of Limelight – I have not been reading them for some time. Music and musicians going on…

Robert and his assistant have just arrived. Lenore is coming at eleven, or after.

Lots of letters to answer but not moving on anything…to Wendy, Robyn, Diana, Vezili, and so on…

What I would like to do now is go to bed and have a little sleep.

Sunday, 27 February 2022

Fighting the whole afternoon with the photocopier – installed the new inks, tried again and again to follow instructions but still I don’t make it, the machine refuses to start. I was hoping to do it myself and not ask Bob to look at it tomorrow…

What it tells me is that there is a foreign object in the machine. But there is no foreign object inside it, unless I have not noticed some minor detail…

Tired of it.

At least the rain has stopped today, but still very muggy and wet.

Constantly having to do things – answer email; write letters, last night the light in the kitchen went out, rang Harry, he came today and fixed it…on and on…

Medication – what I have to take, put everything down so that I know what is happening.

To the chemist tomorrow to pick up the new lot…write everything down.

Machines!!!!!

I seem to be full of plans of what I am supposed to do but do very little.

Everyone is sending emails – Penelope – photos of the wedding, Anna Y photos of the two dogs in their elegant box, Dennis a long poem about Newtown and Vegemite, and so on…

In the meantime Russia has invaded Ukraine, refugees, but Putin goes on with his dreams of grandeur…

Tuesday, 1 March 2022

First of March, Mărțișor.

Rain and more rain, flooding everywhere. Large objects travelling in the flooded rivers, people walking in high waters in groups, they look as if they are coming from an Angelopoulos film…

I always think of Mihail Sadoveanu, and Venea o moară pe Siret…should google it…

Barbara was coming but with this weather…spoke to her, she was looking at all the arrangements with social services, she wants to activate everything so that I can ask for a few hours of help. We will see.

Report about the state of the world – not good at all…we have destroyed everything – but who is listening??

Should write some letters.

Try and walk to the postal box to see if I can do it, I have lost my courage…that’s it, in a nutshell – as they will say.

Eleni still working on Lawrence’s portrait – she is working on the buttons of his shirt – a slow progression.

Wednesday, 2 March 2022

Rain and more rain. Flooding, the rivers rising, streets full of destroyed stuff waiting to be collected.

Suddenly, while typing now, the sun came out for a few seconds. I have not solved the problem with the photocopy machine.MACHINES…terrible things…

And I not doing anything.

Dried clothes on the heater the whole morning – smell of stale water everywhere. Beth and Warwick left for their holiday a few days ago, stopped by waters, coming back today…

Dark political news – Putin advancing into Ukraine… Sanctions on him, but he does not care…

Once the army comes in and weapons – things are lost…

Thursday, 3 March 2022

The sun came out, momentarily, everything brighter, then the clouds came over and rain came down, sifting through the air.

Looking over the city, a white curtain.

Rang Franco. He was waiting for me to ring, apparently I had promised, I can’t remember it, preoccupied with the rain, the light in the kitchen not quite working, afraid that water has come through the electricity line and so on…

Franco coming for coffee next Thursday, must put together all the papers I kept for him.

All the mail, now that Bob has transferred all accounts online, just to tell me that they have taken money from my account.

Must look at:

All payments, mark them on my cheque book!

Look at all account papers.

Clean the drawer.

Sad about everything – the rain, the destruction here, houses, furniture and so on, Franco’s Elizabeth who can’t find words, anymore – so that she can speak…

A slow disintegration of all of us.

Sad that Barbara always insists that I must shop online, not allow Bob to do the shopping. I am too dependent on Eleni and Bob they will get tired of the burden. She is probably right, but so far, they seem to be okay with it. I like human involvement, all this online business…

Friday, 4 March 2022

Mushrooms growing on the lawn.

Sparkling white and very fresh.

I assume the whole of New South Wales is covered in mushrooms…

The rain had stopped for an hour, but now is ready to start again.

I have been looking at letters I have to answer for a week now, but not doing anything about it.

Waiting for the rain to stop, for the sun to come out, to start doing something.

This morning, a very battered envelope I sent to Nikos with the book of essays, was returned. I must check again the address, write to Diana to thank her for the Stylianos book, to Robyn, to Wendy…maybe I should ring her, see if I have a telephone number.

Saturday, 5 March 2022

Still raining.

Helen rang, sad, her younger son, his wife and the two kids have decided to move to Ballina for a year, a change of scene…with the rain and so on, they are looking for sun and hot weather – but Ballina now, under water…

Helen very fond of the little boy, was looking after him for some time as both parents were working.

I would like to send her something to cheer her up, but what? Told her that Ivor is sending the manuscript to the printers, will send her a copy.

Helen sounded discouraged – but I am old – she is only in her seventies.

Barbara working to put me on the social services list for possible help but it seems, at the beginning, what they give you is two hours a fortnight, so much effort for so little.

Sunday, 6 March 2022

The only thing that I can do – with alacrity – is sleep. Especially during the day.

Had lunch, slept.

Must make a cup of tea.

The thin roses – small, on the terrace, look like invalids.

Barbara working to give me medicine and new mechanical additions to walk better… WALKERS – looked them up on Google, quite stunned at the idea that I could use them.

Thursday, 10 March 2022

Finally the rain has stopped today. How long will it last. Nothing but smell of stale water and mould.

New South Wales full of water, destroyed household things, people in distress and Scomo spending money to enlarge the army.

Apparently this is going to be his topic in the election – safety…

Obviously, with so much destruction everywhere. But people destroyed by floods are unhappy at the lack of help…

I should start doing some drawings, at least my attention will be taken away from all these killings on TV.

Monday, 14 March 2022

Opened the window

the sounds of the city

birds flying in the morning light.

Autumn, silence

as if nature too is resting

not one single cloud in the sky

after so much rain.

Thursday, 17 March 2022

Woke up tired,

Came down, had breakfast, decided to lie down and rest.

Rang Anne B.

Distressed. She fell yesterday, was on the floor for two hours waiting for Bianca to come, then they waited for an ambulance. How careful we all must be not to fall – we all know that.

Trying to encourage each other…

Tuesday, 29 March 2022

Budget night.

The washing machine has arrived and Eleni put it on. Next Monday – see if I can learn how to use it.

It dried the washing – they looked okay.

Today, a lot of things – in the morning, a nurse, I assume, came to take blood. I had to get up early, waited for her at seven o’clock, people trying to be sociable, pleasant.

Ordered towels from Innovations.

The war in Ukraine going on, bombings, cities destroyed – the Russians must be mad – Putin: Why suddenly this desire to conquer more, to grow bigger??

In the meantime – the BBC program last night on Four Corners, how we have destroyed nature, and how we go on destroying it. All the signs are there, terrible floods, winds, and so on, but in spite of all this we are still not doing anything about it… What about future generations?

Reading the TLS…the British Empire…the tone has become more cautious, not as full of hype as before.

SBS must be out of money…many programs on the British Crown.

I imagine they buy them at discounts… Even on the ABC, little about the arts.

Sunday, 3 April 2022

Politics all around. Elections coming. Everyone knocking out Morrison…his own people, a pity they did not do it before.

The sun out for the moment. The clocks had to be readjusted.

Tired.

Everything looks mouldy and neglected.

It will take some time to dry out, but the rain will start again in a little while.

 Monday, 11 April 2022

BOOK OUT!

Looking at will… Literary executors, etc.… Arranging for things after you die, an equally difficult problem.

Very tired after the weekend – the excitement of the book appearing, Ivor and Evelyn in the house bringing books, the presence of the book, contracts that have to be signed…

Living is problematic, but dying is problematic too.

Wednesday, 13 April, 2022

Looking for a book to start translating something – this should give me a direction… Looked at Rilke and Malte… Rather sad, the whole thing.

People ringing. Efi, yesterday, using the mobile so that we could see our faces. These terrible transformations…who wants to see one’s face when talking on the phone…

I was hoping that someone will say something about the new book – but so far no one has picked it up, as if it does not exist…

The whole public field as it appears in the Herald and on TV a heavy, uninteresting, ordinary approach to things.

This British pragmatism that here does not have any other form except self-interest and that too of a very mediocre kind.

Faute de mieux – voting for Albanese…

Saturday, 16 April 2022

EASTER – emptiness and silence…

Sunday, 17 April 2022

Heavy fog in the morning, now opening up, a sort of NZ atmosphere.

No one about. At David’s a lot of movement yesterday. He is moving out, going to his daughter and son-in-law, and the young ones are coming here.

The terrace full of stuff he is taking with him – bed etc.

But what is happening with Nick, the cat.

What year was I born, thirty-one I said. You are ninety!!! she said. Who wants to discuss my age. Tired of it.

Watching political discussions on the ABC. Boring personalities, populist political decisions, nothing to engage one’s mind or ideas.

Not one real idea or view of the future.

The political scene here quite brutal.

Morrison the image of the field and whatever subtlety, complexity it still had totally crushed by his populism, his smug attitude to issues, and a total field of mediocrities.

Must stop watching so much TV – political issues which are not fundamentally speaking of any real political impact, but just mediocre minds pretending to have some attitudes.

Thursday, 21 April 2022

The Greek Colonels Day, I think.

I trying to recover from the eye intervention, I assume, I should call it, operation too extreme a word.

Early in the studio, Robert and his assistant in the house cleaning.

The sun out and white cockatoos rushing about.

The sun clipocind on the wall.

Greek Easter coming up. Vrasidas wanted us to do something. I sent him an email to tell him that I have not been well. To come for coffee.

Sunday, 24 April 2022

Eleni and Bob here bringing tsoureki, red eggs.

David has left the house.

Lights in the house show empty walls, empty rooms, painters in the house, his granddaughters are coming to live here, they are studying at Sydney Uni.

Coming back to my eyes – the doctor said that they are healthy, a laser treatment on the right, everything seems ok.

Paul has been in touch, email, suggesting we meet and go to the gallery, have lunch there – but who has the energy??

Asked him to come for coffee, he sent me photos of the family – their Easter gathering, painted eggs, two new little children that I don’t recognise…

Saturday, 7 May 2022

Yesterday – the first carer came, a nice person of Lebanese heritage – as one would say.

Posted all the books that I thought I should send: Patricia, Martha, Vassy, Dennis and Lola.

Heavy to carry and slightly problematic at the post office with my lack of energy. But done.

Will see what others I shall send.

Decide on a program:

Translations?

Old writings that must be destroyed or worked on.

Look at 2021 diary – see if there is anything there – a page that I can send to Ivor for his magazine.

Sunday, 15 May 2022

The sun is out.

Wet everywhere.

Ordered some clothes from Innovations.

Email to Lenore.

Must send email to Martha to thank her for the flowers.

Spoke to Eleni – all okay there.

Trying to clean papers – but difficult to breathe in the studio.

Friday, 20 May 2022

Very, very tired, hardly able to stand.

A day full of troubles – not really, but not that good.

RAIN, RAIN, rain and cold.

Electricity off for two hours in the morning.

The carer came with another person, a student that will become a carer.

Going from place to place with two people after you – bank, post office. Then shopping, coming home in the rain, totally pleased to be alone.

A sandwich for lunch, then to bed. Electricity people here, more rain.

Bought magazines, papers, etc.

The atmosphere charged with the coming election. I have voted by post.

Scomo everywhere, I hope we can get rid of him, he has lowered the tone of the place to zero, not an idea in the air only waffle produced with a totally convincing tone.

Will see what happens tomorrow.

I am afraid to believe that we will finally get rid of him. Nothing but political mediocrities around him.

Rest. So tired, must take it easy.

Remember election nights at Elizabeth’s with all the friends, sitting together in her apartment, some nights of success and some of disappointment.

Elizabeth – fiercely to Labor.

All gone now – Jolanta, Jurgis and so on.

Images tonight on TV of Singleton where they photographed me…Broken Hill and so on…

Sunday, 22 May 2022

A program on the ABC about Cobar and a musical happening in a water tank, very good, very Australian…

Look to see if I have written anything about Cobar, any photos? If it were not for my adventurous friends, I would not have seen the outback in any real sense.

Ivor sent email – a small review of the book in The Saturday Paper.

On the ABC religious singing.

The rain has stopped for a moment but it will start again.

We are all exhausted after all the political happenings, Scomo finally gone, a lot of Liberals lost their seats and ALBO is in.

Will see what the future will bring.

The review in The Saturday Paper quite positive.

Everyone feels positive – that is friends – about the possibilities of the future.

On TV – the program from London: ‘People that have lived here – Peckham – in less than favourable circumstances.’

The ultimate polite description of a terrible poverty.

SBS: American music – Joplin – ‘That is not a record, is an experience.’

Wednesday, 8 June 2022

Last Monday Homer’s birthday.

Cold, windy and very dry. The house in a mess.

The builder came today and injected some fluid into the brick to help it dry.

Eleni and Bob here for a few days in the morning, speaking to the builder.

We bought a small vacuum cleaner for the studio.

Have done nothing…totally preoccupied with walls, cleaning and so on.

I can’t imagine when the house will be cleaned and arranged to enjoy it.

Albanese – doing his duties – Indonesia etc.

At least we don’t have to worry about Scomo – but things are not very good, inflation, higher interest rates… All the mess left by Scomo now has to be cleaned up by Albanese.

Thursday, 9 June 2022

In the studio getting rid of old papers – shredding them.

From time to time reading all these entries…getting rid of papers as if I am getting rid of my life.

Too much accumulation…

Very cold. The house in a mess,

Scrapped walls, furniture moved. Cold and unfriendly. This morning a smell of gas.

Rang Eleni, she checked with the company…all in order – this is what happens when they disconnect it for work.

Will go up now. Have a coffee to reassure ourselves that life goes on.

Cold wind, empty streets, strong sunlight… Winter.

Monday, 11 July 2022

Not very good news today. Barbara has been diagnosed with breast cancer – at the beginning of the process, let’s hope that they can cure it expeditiously, as they say…

Every day more dark news – rain, and more rain, people trying to put their lives together…and now Barbara.

The medical assessors are coming on Wednesday to discuss my problems…

People writing, asking questions about the past the Australia Council and so on.

Harvey is trying to put his past in order, asking questions…when I was there, when I worked with Jean, is she still alive and so on…

Last night dreamt of Jurgis, for the first time we were looking at each other, he seemed in a good mood…

Thursday, 14 July 2022

Yesterday a full day. They came for the ASSESSMENT. A nice, polite woman, questions again, all taken down…the responses…what am I capable of doing…walking etc., etc.…

Thank God Eleni and Bob are here so that I don’t feel that exposed.

My skin in a bad way, all flared up and very itchy – putting cream on it all the time but little effect.

Bad news in every direction…

Last night the ABC broadcast a concert from the Opera House, they finished repairs. The place looking very good.

The Resurrection symphony…this is what I need…resurrection…

The world full of disasters – famine, fires, rain and so on… The TV is feeding us with all the negative information…and I, somehow, cannot bring myself to look at more positive DVDs.

Must take it slowly. Try not to be so nervous.

The streets empty and silent. Above a pale blue sky…

Friday, 22 July 2022

The rain has stopped for a little while – late afternoon, the sky has cleared to a pale blue.

Eleni and Bob here helping me to clear things, Alexander came to fix the little bar in the kitchen to hang the small towels…

It will be nice when September comes and we can paint the place and clean it up– later outside too.

Running around, lose things – my glasses, I had to bring my second pair from upstairs – where do I put them? A mystery.

Getting rid of papers but still a lot to go on. Lack of energy. Better in the afternoon than in the morning.

Long disturbed nights, in and out of bed constantly.

I have not slept for a whole night for a long time, afraid to take something, my whole nervous apparatus quite frail.

The studio wet, all the paint full of blisters, especially on the right side.

Saturday, 30 July 2022

Looking at the articles in Kosmos – the last few ones about Yota and me. I should photocopy one or two pages and send them to Helen, she is being left out…

Michelakakis used one of James’ photos.

I have not been feeling well. Cystitis – I have to drink this terrible pink liquid.

Silence in the neighbourhood, the young women next door are having a party tonight, they left a note, the music will stop at 11 p.m….

Constantly undecided, going over and over everything… The will – looking at it as if I have not seen it before and have to constantly adjust it. Have I included everyone? Have I left things to all? Have I forgotten anyone? And so on…

Constantly not enough energy to deal with things properly…postponing…postponing…

Empty afternoon.

Wednesday, 3 August 2022

AUGUST – the month that was always good for writing.

Little happening now.

Outside warmer than inside – a sunny afternoon, everything very dry.

Watered the garden.

The studio full of wet walls.

Doing nothing… Full of plans that I never carry out.

Yesterday with Eleni and Bob to town, in the park in Watsons Bay, talking of the past – Usher, our first flat together in Rose Bay…

The past, talking about it, a tiring affair…

Cystitis still on.

Losing weight – sixty kilos now from seventy…sixty-eight…and so on…

The world goes on…tragedies, wars…

Lots of typing errors the white cover-up not working…

Let it be now.

Tuesday, 9 August 2022

We celebrated Eleni’s birthday today – I gave her one of Leonida’s sculptures, the black bronze one.

Going to a good home.

Must give the glass little sculpture to Anna – she liked it. A lot of movement today. Indra was here too, she is going to Nepal for three months in September.

After they left I went to bed. Getting tired more often now.

Silence and empty streets.

Not looking at papers, not putting anything in order either.

Thursday, 4 August 2022

Robert and his assistant in the house cleaning.

I waiting to have a coffee and lie down.

My constant direction now.

I must speak to Dr A, but every time I ring she is not there, away…they put me through to C, but I don’t want to speak to him. He has not been helpful in the past.

August already – maybe the spring will make us feel better.

On the ABC last night, a program on TREES – living for eight hundred, one thousand years and so on. I forgot to ask Eleni if she saw it. She is working on TREES…

From the studio – the garden very neat and peaceful. I must go and have some lunch.

Sunshine and empty streets.

Tuesday, 23 August 2022

Sunny, very cold day.

Waiting for the rain that they say is coming for a week from now.

Not doing anything, complaining to myself!

Washed clothes put them out to dry for some sun and wind on them.

Constantly using the machine now.

Lebanon in the news again, some destroyed parts of the port, etc., etc.

The local news full of Scomo and his nefarious directions. Appointing himself to six portfolios and so on. Minister of this, of that and so on. Surreal, the whole thing.

How quickly, even in a system that seems to be okay, you have changes that one did not think possible –

Thursday, 1 September 2022

Spring already.

A nice breeze blowing.

Enmeshed in all my difficulties.

Dithering all the time. Cancelled my meeting with Lenore, not enough energy for it.

Reza in the house, Eleni arranging what has to be done.

Skirting boards out and now to be put back.

Taking pills, forgetting to take them, seeing no improvement.

The ginger cat from next door, a new arrival, in the garden taking note of all the sounds.

Must go up now and do some cooking.

Saturday, 10 September 2022

Very tired, wobbly –

All these happenings that seem to take my strength away.

DEATHS – the Queen, all these funeral rituals that they show us on TV on and on. People waiting for twenty hours to see the Queen in her coffin and so on…

Ivor ringing yesterday to tell me that I won the Patrick White Literary Award – the same that Elizabeth won.

Before we would have been very glad…but now…everyone gone.

Told Eleni – she was very pleased.

Will wait for a week to tell a few others.

Annoyed at the idea that I will have to face some people that will come to discuss the issue.

Everything comes in its own time – but not in yours.

Great emptiness in the street and a thin sun.

Television – an empty medium.

Monday, 19 September 2022

The garden looks very neat – Alexander worked on it this morning.

Sunny and windy.

Trying to put myself together.

The Queen’s funeral has finished, thank God.

The only thing I seem to want to do is lie down and go to sleep, have coffees or eat chocolate.

I should take something to give myself a boost – Barbara was suggesting some heroin but in my case it will probably kill me.

The cave full of wet walls, everything looking like me – devastated. Ivor wonders if he should publish a few more copies of the poems, in view of the prize.

Drifting… Not an ounce of focused energy…