Pinocchio

The year is 1981 and I am driving down the streets of Melbourne in my Ford Bronco 4×4. I have decided to go to my girlfriend’s house for a surprise visit. Feeling excited about the prospect of seeing her, I arrive at her house and I ring the doorbell. When my girlfriend answers the door, I smile at the sight of her. She is looking very pretty in a long black skirt and a lacy pink top. I greet her and I reach out to hug her. However, she only looks at me in shock, which quickly turns to anger. She tells me that she has not heard from me in at least a year. She says that she had thought everything had been going really well in our relationship and then, all of a sudden, I had stopped contacting her. It seemed that I had left town without telling anyone. She had unsuccessfully tried many ways of contacting me and, in the end, she had been torn between being worried about me and being angry with me. After she has finished saying this, she looks at me and I can see the hurt in her eyes. I apologise to her. I tell her that there is a good reason for my absence but that I am afraid to reveal this to her because I fear that she will not believe me. She says that she feels she deserves an explanation. I know that she has just made a good point, so I take a deep breath and tell her my story.

—

About fifteen months ago, I became determined to realise a dream I had – to be a guest star on The Muppet Show. I had already spent a few years watching The Muppet Show and fantasising that I was the person being surrounded by Muppets and singing with them. Now I wanted to see if I could actually appear on The Muppet Show. So I set about contacting the producers of the show and thus entered into a protracted series of secret negotiations with them. At one stage, it looked as if I would never achieve my ambition. The producers had a long list of reasons why I should not be a guest star on their show, the main one being that I was not famous. But, amazingly, after a few months of discussion that seemed to go nowhere, the producers suddenly informed me that they had decided that I should appear on the show. So, after the contracts were signed, I ended up travelling to Hollywood to make my guest appearance with The Muppets. Naturally, on the day I was scheduled to do the taping, I was very excited. I showed up to the studio right on time and was taken directly into the Make-up and Wardrobe Department to prepare for my stint in front of the cameras. I do not remember very much about my experience at the Make-up and Wardrobe Department. All I remember is that a team of stylists surrounded me and started arranging my hair and spraying something into my face, and then suddenly I began to feel very sleepy. Later, I woke up in a dark room. I was not sure how much time had passed since I had fallen asleep but one thing was for certain: I did not wake up as the same person I once was. Although I was still feeling groggy, I immediately realised that my body was bound up with bandages of some kind. There were even bandages on most of my face. I felt almost ill with fear about what had happened to me. At this point, one of the make-up artists came into the room and switched on the light. She walked over to me, said hello, and began cutting and unravelling the bandages from my body. Then she held out a mirror in front of me so that I could see what I looked like. I looked into the mirror and, for a moment, I could not speak. I realised that I had been transformed into a Muppet – more specifically, I was a Muppet Penguin – and I knew that this was not a dream. I was outraged and soon began shouting at the make-up artist in what I realised was quite a squeaky voice. I demanded that she turn me back into my former self. At this point, a man walked into the room. I instantly recognised him. He was Jim Henson, the creator of The Muppets. Jim tried to console me. He told me that being transformed into a Muppet was one step better than being a guest star on The Muppet Show. He also told me that the Make-up and Wardrobe team had done a great job on me – he said that I looked really good as a Muppet Penguin and he pointed out that I had even been provided with a little orange beanie and a pair of yellow woollen gloves to wear. I started to protest once again and he said that if I met my fellow Muppet cast members, perhaps I would see how good it was to be a Muppet. I shook my head and demanded that I be changed back into a human right away. Jim said that surely I should meet some of the other Muppets first. He also promised me that, if I still wanted to be transformed back into a human by the end of the day, he would arrange for this to happen. This did not sound so bad so I waddled over to him and let him pick me up. Jim took me to a studio down the corridor. There were quite a few of The Muppets in this studio. They were lounging around in chairs on one of the empty sets. Most of the well-known Muppets were there, including Kermit The Frog, Miss Piggy, Rowlf, Gonzo, The Swedish Chef, Fozzie Bear, Scooter, Statler and Waldorf, Beaker – who is one of my very favourite Muppets – and even Camilla, Gonzo’s chicken sweetheart. Jim introduced me to everyone. The other Muppets greeted me and waved and generally seemed very friendly. Jim told me that he would come back and see me a bit later and he left. While I had not imagined that this would be the way I would end up meeting The Muppets, I was nonetheless interested to talk to them. So I began chatting with The Muppets. It turned out that all of The Muppets had formerly been humans. For example, the guy who became Kermit The Frog was once a high-profile taxation lawyer from a prestigious law firm who, upon finding himself in a midlife crisis, decided to pursue a career in the arts. One day, he noticed a job advertisement in a newspaper. The advertisement was from a then-unknown company that was seeking an Artistic Director for a new and innovative multi-artform performance project with culturally diverse communities. He answered the advertisement, was hired for the role, and unexpectedly found himself transformed into a Muppet frog named Kermit. He told me that, naturally, he was upset at first but that he now thrives on the thrill of performing, stage managing, and leading a struggling arts organisation. Another one of The Muppets also had a background in the corporate world. A few years ago, Jim Henson had hired her as a consultant to write a business plan for his rapidly expanding company. As it turned out, Jim and his management staff did not care for her ideas about how to maintain financial viability in balance with artistic integrity. The morning after she had informally suggested a company restructure, she woke up to find herself chained to a drum kit in a basement. She had been transformed into an aggressive Muppet drummer who would yell out guttural phrases and play the drums with a crazed kind of intensity. Yet, after her initial shock, she too found a greater sense of fulfilment in her new role. She told me that Jim Henson had done her a favour and that she did not miss her life as a Business Analyst at all. She said that her new life was so much better now. As I talked with more and more of The Muppets and listened to their testimonials about how much their lives had improved since they had become Muppets and joined The Muppet Show, I began to think that perhaps I should give myself a chance to experience a new life as a Muppet. Maybe Jim was right – maybe actually being a Muppet was better than playing a guest role, surrounded by Muppets. So I joined The Muppet Show cast and thus began one of the most memorable periods of my life – a period of about a year in which I had opportunity after opportunity to perform with some of the world’s most talented actors and musicians. I was performing with stars such as Harry Belafonte, Liza Minelli, Danny Kaye, and Rudolf Nureyev, and I was really enjoying these moments. Yet my experiences with The Muppet Show were not always filled with such highlights. For example, at one stage, I had to perform song-and-dance numbers with Sylvester Stallone and, months later, Mark Hamill from Star Wars. It was around that time that I really began to feel the strain of having to perform in a weekly vaudeville-style variety show format. I realised that, as much as I had previously loved watching The Muppet Show, it was quite a different thing to actually be transformed from a human into a Muppet and then to be required to perform on the show. Furthermore, I began to miss the life that I had lived prior to being a Muppet. I had not seen my friends for a long time. I especially missed my girlfriend. After thinking about things for a while, I approached Jim Henson. I told him that, while part of me still enjoyed being a Muppet, I really missed the life that I had left behind. I asked him if I could be transformed back into the person I once was. Jim saw the sad look on my face and he took pity on me. He said that, as long as I stayed until the end of the current season, he would transform me back to my former self and release me from my contract. So, after Episode 24 of Season 5, my work on The Muppet Show came to an end. I very clearly remember the last scene I performed in. I was part of a menagerie of Muppets that was accompanying guest star Roger Moore in his closing number. As I listened to Roger singing the final lines of ‘Talk to the Animals’, I knew that leaving the show was the right decision for me.

—

This is the end of the story that I have to tell my girlfriend and, after I have finished telling it, I wait anxiously for her reaction. She looks at me for a moment. Then she tells me that my story is the most ridiculous thing she has ever heard. She says that it is completely implausible. I start to protest that I am telling the truth but she interrupts me. She asks me how I ever expected her to believe that I became a Muppet Penguin who met and performed with a cast of Muppets who were also formerly human. She says that, if I was going to lie to her, I should at least have made my lie somewhat feasible. I do not say anything for a moment. Instead, I think about the theory that I had developed about lying. Prior to developing my Muppet Show lie, I had conducted some research into some of the greatest lies told in the history of humanity and I had come to the conclusion that the greatest lies ever told have the following two major characteristics:

1. The lie is embellished with the appropriate amount of detail

2. The lie is ultimately about something that, for the time being, the target wants to believe in.

Recalling my elaborate Muppet Show lie, I realise that it more or less succeeded on the first point – the lie had enough specific information to make it interesting, yet it was vague enough to carry a hazy sense of authority. However, my Muppet Show lie failed on the second point because only I wanted to believe in the fantasy of me being a Muppet. Prior to creating my Muppet Show lie, I had spent many moments enjoying the adventures of The Muppets. I loved listening to Fozzie Bear’s jokes, I felt envious of Kermit The Frog when Julie Andrews took his hand and sang to him, and I especially enjoyed watching Animal when he played the drums wildly. In contrast, I realise that my girlfriend does not have any investment in the fantasy of me becoming a Muppet. In fact, I am forced to listen as my girlfriend launches into a negative critique of my Muppet story. She tells me that, while my Muppet story is well crafted and economically expressed and even provides some compelling insights into the human condition, it suffers from the fatal flaw of being completely unconvincing, and thus she was not able to suspend her disbelief. She also accuses me of deliberately inserting the part about missing my girlfriend just to try to gain her sympathy. Desperate, I try one last time to convince her that my Muppet story is true. I offer to show her old episodes of The Muppet Show where I can be seen as a Muppet Penguin. However, she tells me that I am only making things worse by lying more. She reveals that she is a big fan of The Muppets and that she has a growing collection of Muppet memorabilia that includes paintable plastic figurines, key chains, lunch boxes and even the original 1972 album The Muppet Musicians of Bremen. Being such a dedicated Muppet fan, she declares that she knows for a fact that stars like Sylvester Stallone, Liza Minelli, and Rudolf Nureyev all appeared in different seasons of The Muppet Show and that the time that elapsed during this period was well over a year. Furthermore, she declares that my nose has started growing. I laugh at this latter statement but she points at my face and tells me that she is telling the truth. I put my hands to my nose and am shocked to realise that she is not lying: my nose is at least five centimetres longer than it originally was. I run to her bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. She follows me and watches me as I look at my reflection. I stare sadly at myself. For a few moments, I cannot speak. I just look at myself. After a while, I turn to her and I apologise for lying to her. I say that it seems that I have become like Pinocchio – a not-so-real boy who is full of falsehoods and fallibilities. I turn back to the mirror once more. She puts her hand on my arm but I do not say anything. Then I feel her hug me. She tells me that Pinocchio was a fascinating and lovable boy precisely because of his frailties and vices. She also declares that, ‘real boy’ or not, Pinocchio was actually at his most interesting when he was a ‘bad boy’. At this point, I become conscious of her leg pressed against mine. I turn to her and she smiles shyly at me. I stare at her for a moment. Then I kiss her roughly and I pull at her hair as I kiss her. We move to her bedroom and I continue to kiss her and I grab handfuls of her here and there and I leave a bite mark on her shoulder and then I strip all of her clothes off and we spend all night having the hottest sex you can imagine. We do it in a few different ways: first her as a good girl, then her as a bad girl, then her as a good girl who is coerced into being a bad girl. Throughout it all, I am a bad boy who tells good stories. These stories are fantasies. As I tell her these fantasies, I realise that they are aligned with my theory of the greatest lies ever told: each fantasy is embellished with the appropriate amount of detail and it is ultimately about something that, for the time being, the target wants to believe in.

—

The next morning, I wake up in her bed and I feel good when she moves closer to me and greets me good morning and kisses me. She playfully touches the tip of my still-long nose. We do not say anything for a moment but then she softly asks me if I have come back for good or if I am going to go away again. I take a moment to consider this. I tell her that, as much as I have so desperately wanted to, I have never been able to predict my own comings and goings. But I also tell her that I would like to stay. She smiles at me and we both start to fantasise about what our future might look like. In embellishing this fantasy with the appropriate amount of detail, we draw inspiration from films we have seen, books we have read, friends we have known, lovers we have had, words we have written, daydreams we have dreamt, and much more. As we discuss our fantasy future, we realise that it looks a lot like this: every night, she – a good girl – will turn into a bad girl because she has gotten together with a bad boy, and yet, every day, me – a bad boy – will be redeemed by her love – the love of a good woman – thereby turning me into a good man. We agree that this fantasy future is sufficiently appealing for both of us. Thus, for the time being, the future looks good.