Julius

Translated from the Danish by Hazel Evans

X

Julius, was the name of my first love
at summer camp
different rules applied, he & I were allowed
to hold hands
people smiled indulgently, called us ‘the couple’
‘the camp couple’
on my part, guilty as charged
in the evenings, when the others hung out in the common areas or practised their leapfrogging
I found myself hiding in the boys’ showers
behind the hedge at the end of the street, on a bench, wandering along the main road
or lying in my room hugging a pillow, hoping Julius would stop by
sometimes he did
and since my roommate kept himself busy with girls
our single beds pushed together provided the perfect setting
but instead of binge-watching films
Julius got me to ruffle his hair, his greasy, curly, brown, oddly sour-smelling
dimples and a glint in his eye he had too
waltzing around, feet barely touching the floor, he gave you a poke in the ribs, then disappeared as quickly as he’d come
chuckling
I wasn’t the only one who wanted to soak him up
it was a sports summer camp
there were the popular ones, the footballers, regular, energetic, salt of the earth
the teachers’ Starmix, comfortable in their shiny skin suits
own bodies
then there were the rest of us, hunchbacks, chubby, mumbling, introverted or otherwise
Julius had a way with most of us
luckily for me
our armpits reeked, if we skipped showers between just one class
sweat solidifying on cotton t-shirts
nauseating, amazing, I
swooned with joy
every time he pressed his cold, wet chest into me
and someone would call our names on the other side of the door
we’d freeze in the dark
never speaking about what we were up to or
at any rate weren’t up to

what do I know

I loved him

I loved him in the most straightforward, suicidally eager way
and I really think he loved me too
just not enough to risk his life

the life he’d grown accustomed to
been promised
still just about within reach
I get him
I don’t get him at all

one evening, playing tag (we did that a lot)
he spotted me in the cellar below the laundry room, right away
we were fumbling about on the linoleum floor
the power struggle unnecessary, we pursued it anyway

I, who could have run away, chose to get caught
if Julius were here
he’d insist
that he was capable of catching and taking me down either way
in other words: the boy was stronger and more athletic than I
and I
enjoyed him snorting
his victory into my sorry, flattened face
his entire body weight
pinning me to the floor, so keenly
did I savour the pain
his grip around my wrists, kneecaps digging into my thighs, lips clamped shut
expression hovering between anger and impalpable
at least as much at war with himself
his fight with me an imitation
or what
fight then! he shouted
fight back!
as I…
surrendered myself utterly
arms limp by my sides, I wanted to close my eyes or gaze
straight up into his
elicit a reaction, any kind, hopefully
an even more intense reaction
I was smiling, soaring
utterly susceptible, doped up on endorphins I drifted through
kicks and punches muffled like underwater sounds
feeling nothing
but a hot, trickling, all-encompassing warmth
maybe I thought, maybe
I was already dreaming:
‘Julius, whether it ends up being the two of us or not, you just set the bar for every guy that might ever attempt to come after you’
maybe I made the rest up, maybe I thought:
‘kiss me’

X

‘Wait a… What on earth are you two lying there for?’
asked Ove, our German teacher appeared out of nowhere
scrambling over us to get to the stairs:
‘How about it boys, wouldn’t you rather come up and join the rest of us again?’
Ove blushed, his voice trembled
adjusted his glasses, put his hand on the doorframe, removed it again and thrust it deep into his pocket
from that point on I have no idea what happened
Ove vanished, neither Julius nor I had uttered a word
the floor
began to dig into my shoulder blades, my spine throbbed and pulsed
ribs too
the warmth abandoned me, sucked right out of the room
above us the fluorescent tube lights crackled, a tumble dryer began tumbling
and instinct instructed:
lie still, Glenn
maybe that unspeakable thing that just happened
never really happened at all?
maybe the distance that had wedged itself between us
would evaporate by itself, who knows
I might have lain there, unmoving, forever
alas
Julius got up; he brushed himself down as if it were the imprint of me he had been relieved of

I watch the dust specks flutter around him
like a crushed halo
this my angel, nothing more did he have to give
or what, then
Julius departed

now I had to make do with myself
emptiness returning
at a loss, I coiled up into myself like some kind of freak
my desire for revenge bubbling, I was helpless and mad
power-hungry
alone in a world of enemies
who’d be sure to get what they deserved
and I clenched my fists, punched out
the hatred too, came flooding back
this was my destiny:
eat or be eaten
I wanted to cry, but rage, it…
and I decided to become the dictator of my own life
uplifted such that I was by rage
on my feet once more
it would be rage, it would be no mercy spared for frailty as a legitimate way of being
that would constitute my new, purest salvation:
no more doubt!
no more messing about!
no more expecting anything of anyone…
pure discipline! pure self-control! independence, ambition, grit
that day, I lost all roundness and wobbliness and openness and softness, I
uncoiled, straight as a sword
every future attempt at nuanced opinions or life philosophies
to be met with decapitation

this was my destiny
this was my most secret secret
it was this I had
to hold on to

Ove’s befuddlement at the sight of us
two boys on top of each other, humiliated me
Julius’s abandonment of me, annihilated me
and yet I felt oddly grateful…
to be standing
here, alive
perhaps more alive than ever
the two of them could have pointed fingers
Julius could have sacrificed me to save himself; he could have positioned himself behind Ove, washed his hands of me
I was the feminine one of us after all
and therefore the one who’d struggle most to prove my innocence
I was easy to point at
as camp
Julius on the other hand
could have made a genuine error, man can be tempted
but my effeminacy, my passive, affected, oversensitive unnature, that
no boy could explain away
which is why I felt grateful
the men could have dismissed me, could have driven me out, could have pulled my trousers down and invited all the other teachers and students to participate in my public shaming

yeah, I think that, almost
would have been appropriate

to be hanged like they used to
worldwide
they still hang people like me

X

what was most beautiful has been taken from me
but if I protest not
it’ll all be left to lie

I ought to rise above basic human needs
for love and recognition

I, the invulnerable
ought to turn my back on the child within

apparently so
because if I remember correctly
right after the laundry cellar incident
Julius found himself a girlfriend

the following week their names hung like two unbreakable halves of a heart
down on the official camp couples noticeboard

people clapped, cheered, tilted their heads to one side
pictured their beautiful future together when she and Julius were married on the lawn

‘Kiss!’ ‘Kiss!’ people shouted
we shouted
throwing water balloons, singing psalms
and they kissed
she and Julius
with that glint in his eye he stood there, snogging at my funeral
with that glint in his eye and his dimples he stood, snogging at the funeral
of him and I living

Danish flags fluttering

even the camp director weighed a balloon in his hand, he had a tweed jacket
folded and pressed under his arm, people were already screaming laughter
the gardener stopped his tractor to witness the proceedings

not only did they celebrate my death
they expected the dying to celebrate along with them
‘Yeah, kiss, kiss!’ I shouted
her fingers though Julius’s soaking wet locks

to mourn in public or storm off
would have been social suicide
it would have been:
petty
cold-hearted of me

he who before had been half, had at long last become whole
that was what we bore witness to that day:
such happiness, the right kind of happiness

X

in the following weeks I planned
screws unequivocally loose
how I in the friendliest way possible could kidnap her
Julius’s bride somewhere in the forest
but instead of bringing my murder fantasies to fruition
I decided to become her friend
what Julius had stolen from me
I would steal back from him
and seeing as I, with my lack of heterosexual tension, never had any problems
becoming one of the girls, it was no big deal getting
on intimate terms with the bride
the films she’d seen
I had too
so many of her feelings and experiences
I could both relate to and put into words in a way so few boys my age were
brought up to be able to

‘By the way,’ interjected Julius one day
some time after we’d last spoken
‘I’d like for you and Sophia to hang out less. I don’t like the idea of you trading secrets behind my back,’ he said
‘Oh and I bought condoms too, she’s coming home to mine this weekend’

X

a month passed before I exchanged another word with him
I don’t remember what about
only that he didn’t seem to have noticed
had something come between us?
but we were avoiding each other…
it wasn’t just me avoiding you, Julius, are you claiming that our departure from each other’s lives happened of its own accord, an accident, a regular case of drifting apart?
Numerous witnesses commented on the abrupt dissolution of our symbioses
people stopped calling us ‘the couple’
the boys joked about my status as ‘separated’
they asked me if I missed you
they itched their balls and sniffed their fingers as they shot
snooker balls into holes, made pouty faces in my direction, tied my shoes together, reassured me
I could be their bitch if I wanted to
and I genuinely didn’t experience their antics as spiteful
but as an expression of genuine concern
the boys clapped me on the shoulder; they held me by the neck and squeezed
it felt like relief
to have my version of events confirmed, yes
I’d been abandoned
you’d abandoned me
that was the turn our relationship took

X
Julius
did they ask you about all that too?
had you finally had enough of Glenn?
replaced him with the real deal, real breasts, real pussy, real sex
did you laugh?
did you concede?
did you succeed in concealing yourself behind Sophia?
what went through you, Julius?
something must have gone through you

or do you maintain that it was all in my head
that my head was the only way in which we existed for one another
just as our disappearance from each other’s lives was
imperceptible to you?
everything to me?

X

we acted like
the other didn’t exist
your arm around her neck, a display

regardless I rose from my deathbed
had no choice but to
one day after the next

and yet no one heard tell of you after the end of season dance
did you abandon her too, Sophia
why?

not one single person from that summer of your life did you keep
in touch with, Julius
why?

why not?

why the fuck not?

Facebook suggests gymnasium, then the military
Facebook suggests you graduated with a degree in journalism last summer
in your profile picture you’re posing in front of a church (of all  places)
by your side a woman dressed in a tight, floral dress, done-up hair

you still have that glint in your eye, and power over me.